I feel like crying after the gym today, AGAIN.

I had low box squats again, and I only managed 75kg again. I tried 80kg twice and failed both. I feel so crap. 

The rest of the session wasn’t anything to write home about either. 

And at the end, my coach told me I’ve got to eat more; that I’m coming to the gym without enough energy, and that I’m doing too much outside the gym. 

I feel rotten. My newbie gains are YEARS behind me. My body feels like it’s breaking down. I feel old.

I feel like I can’t be supportive enough of my lifting partner because I’m envious of her. She’s going to be an amazing lifter, she’s on her way up – just as I’m on my way down. 

And eating more, honestly, makes me fret. I don’t count what I eat, but I estimate I eat maybe 3000 kcal a day. I’ve only just got into a good routine with making weight for competitions – what if I eat more and am unable to make weight? I’m already uncompetitive in the 72kg class, I’ll be utterly pathetic in the 84s.

I feel terrible. I love lifting, but right now it doesn’t love me.