I managed to get to BGWLC last night, despite the tube strike (London Underground workers are striking at the moment; I support them 100%, up the workers etc).
- Narrow bench press: worked up to 5 sets of 3 @ 40kg, with a pause on each last rep
- Dumbbell floor press: 12.5kg dumbbells, 10 reps x 3
- Inverted row/bench press pullup: something x 6. I was even worse at these than last time 😦
- Single-arm shoulder press: 10.5kg dumbbell, 7 reps x 3
- Hammer curl: 8kg dumbbells, 10 reps x 3
- Incline sit-ups: 10 reps x 3
- Spiders: 2 sets
…And then I went home & burst into tears, because I feel utterly shit at the moment. The new year has brought lots of new people to the gym, which is great; but a sizeable proportion of them are already planning to qualify for the British championships this year, and it just reminds me of how long it took me to qualify & how relatively crap I am at powerlifting still.
I’m all too aware of the mantra that you should only concentrate on your own performance, but doing that is hard when you compete; and also when you train at a small gym like BGWLC where we’re a team. There’s talk of us forming an actual ladies’ squad, which is exciting, but I feel dejected when I think about how I will be the “worst” lifter on it despite most likely being the lifter with the most experience.
I feel sad that I can’t be 100% supportive of the other lifters at the gym without being a bit jealous. It’s hard for me to be supportive, to help people learn how to compete, to admire them for their efforts, when they’re trouncing me in every lift.
I also feel really jealous when people talk about setting records & stuff like it’s just a thing they do. I will never set any sort of record, I’ve accepted that – I know my limitations. So to say things like “If you just believe in yourself, it’ll happen!” is trite and irritating (e.g. someone was trying to make me feel better by suggesting I compete in the BDFPA as opposed to the GBPF, as apparently their records are “fairer” – however I’m even further away from qualifying to British standard in the BDFPA than I am in the GBPF! So I feel even more inadequate! Yay!)
And while I’m at it – people assuming I’ve not been lifting very long, because they’ve only seen me at one British. No, I’ve been lifting for a long time – I’m just not very good. Sob.
Urgh. I’m reminded of Lift Big Eat Big saying on their Facebook page, a while ago, that if you’re not squatting 200lbs (90.7kg) after a year of training, there’s something wrong with your coach or your programming. Who does that help, really? I only squatted 90kg in October 2013, after more than 4 years of training. There’s nothing wrong with my coach or my programming – it’s just the limitations of who I am. Needless to say, I do not wear my LBEB hoodie any more, nor read their stuff. I have no time for that sort of snobbery.
This all ties up with how I’m feeling about my work at the moment. I’ve been working in development for 14 years, and it’s in the last couple of years that a lot of “let’s get women into tech!” initiative has spring up. And it makes me feel a bit sad, because where was all that when I was a tech newbie? When people list “influential women in tech” who are, say, 10 years my junior, I feel inadequate. How have I managed to be a developer for 14 years yet not influenced anyone or done anything outstanding? Just like powerlifting, heh. I’m in it for the long haul, yet completely average.
Sorry, this is all very self-pitying. I think i’ve been quite honest in the past as to how hard I find powerlifting mentally, though. Last time I felt like this I had a 2 week break from it all, and that helped; but that was only back in December and I can’t take another break again so soon! What to do? I’ve already taken a step back from competing. Bleh.