I had a big old self-doubt day again yesterday. Not quite into “I hate powerlifting!!!!” territory, but I’m a bit fed up with myself at the moment. I started off being cross & down with myself in the morning for my supposed lack of achievements in my life*; then in the evening I was feeling so meh that I just couldn’t put any enthusiasm into my workout & left before finishing it.
I know comparison is the thief of joy, but I feel so rubbish that after 5 years (5 years!) I still can’t squat 100kg or deadlift more than 115kg. I try to do all the things that people say will make you “suck less” (surround myself with high achievers, have a good coach, eat lots of food, train hard [95% of the time, anyhow] etc etc) but I still suck. Sob sob sob.
It doesn’t help my mental state that right now, my day job is hard. As in, every day feels like I’m doing a hard assignment in school, and I leave the office feeling frazzled. Then twice a week I have to go to the gym, and I don’t get home until at least 8.30pm. Add to that the fact that I’m trying to do more tech outreach stuff – this Tuesday I went to Ladies Who Code & didn’t get home until 9.30pm; next week I have Codebar on Wednesday & won’t get home until 10pm – it’s no wonder my brain is fried & I’m feeling down. I feel almost like I do two jobs.
In my sad, self-pitying mood last night I pondered on Facebook why I am still such a mediocre powerlifter after 5 years (5 years!!) of trying, and I got a few nice comments about how inspiring I am to still be plugging away at it after so long. It’s twee and self-indulgent, but comments like that do make me feel better. Even if I’m pretty shit at it, it’s nice to know that my talking about powerlifting inspires others (I actually had a couple of people come up to me at Ladies Who Code to say they remembered/enjoyed my talk about powerlifting, which was ace).
I guess the only thing I can do is keep plugging away at it, eh? Keep on turning up to the gym, training as hard as I can (when I’m not feeling like crap, that is), and try to feel OK with my mad plan to (gasp) not make weight in order to get that 100kg squat. Although if that doesn’t work I’m not sure what other drastic measures I can take 😉
How do you deal when you’re feeling inadequate in your sport/your job/something else? Any confidence-boosting tips?
* If you can call a degree, a good career, friends, a happy relationship and my own house “lack of achievements”!! Sheesh, my brain!