Dissatisfaction

I’ve not felt very inspired to post here for a few days. I’m having a bit of a “meh” time at the moment – mostly with my work, but also with blogging (reading and writing). Luckily my gym mojo is still there!

Yesterday I woke up with a really sore/stiff shoulder – I guess I must have slept on it badly, but it was sore enough to make me miss Pilates because I didn’t think I could handle any of that arms-over-the-head stuff. I did go to BGWLC in the evening, though, for a heavy-ish bench session.

Today I’m strategically skipping conditioning. I’m going for a massage instead – I booked it before I hurt my shoulder and I’m very glad I did! I also have max-out deadlifts & 3 x 3 squats @ 80% tomorrow, so my legs need the rest.

I’m super, SUPER dissatisfied with my career & my style at the moment. Career-wise, all the enthusiasm I had for tech after doing my talk at Devs Love Bacon has dissipated once more, and I’m back to feeling frustrated & out-of-place in development. Maybe it’s just my perception, but I feel like there’s no place in dev now for people like me, who aren’t creative or entrepreneurial. And after 15 years I still have trouble grasping concepts and design patterns etc. Is it time to give up? But what else would I do?!

As for my personal style…. ugh, I dunno. I love having short hair, I like wearing jeans & t-shirts every day, and I will never remember to put on makeup (i.e. mascara) on a regular basis. But I don’t really like what I see in the mirror, especially now I’m heavier. I just feel sloppy & unfeminine. But do I want to look feminine? My style inspiration at the moment is mostly Big Boo from Orange Is The New Black. My favourite t-shirt is an oversized one from Pullum with the sleeves cut off. I feel pretty butch, despite being the straightest person on the planet (I realise using “butch” here is appropriative, apologies).

My current favourite gym outfit

My current favourite gym outfit

Should I grow my hair back? Should I wear more dresses? Should I just take a day off work, go to Westfield & slaughter my credit card? Should I dye my hair pink again??

I think I need a personal stylist and a career coach. And someone to remind me to get up earlier so that I can put on mascara & eat a proper breakfast.

Thursday: bench at BGWLC

I wasn’t really feeling this – I was tired and my shoulder is hella sore right now.

  • Bench: worked up to 2 x 2 @ 45kg; then 4 singles at 47.5kg
  • Narrow bench press to 4 boards: 40kg, 10 reps x 3
  • JM press: 30kg, 10 reps x 3
  • Machine rows: 20kg each hand, 10 reps x 3
  • Upright rows: 20kg bar, 7 reps x 3
  • Leg raises, spiders

Bonus picture of me in my shorts from last weekend because it’s probably not going to be warm enough for shorts this weekend 😦 Note the awesome tiling in my kitchen, which I did myself ✊ I’m tiling the bathroom floor in a couple of weeks’ time.

Shorts!

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19 thoughts on “Dissatisfaction

  1. Clare (@lily__munster)

    There must be something in the air! I really can relate to this, currently going through a style crisis myself… when I go out on an evening / weekend with friends, I rock the cute vintage / retro thing.
    At work, completely different… baggy trousers & long sleeved t-shirt with hair tied back in pony tail, minimal make-up. Starting to realise I probably look like a haggard bag lady!

    I think my problem is laziness. CBA to put outfits together or make an effort at 6.30am, the longer I can stay in bed the better! I need to change this …but… ahhhh sleep Zzzzzz.

    1. lozette Post author

      I started setting my alarm for 6.45 instead of 7am and all that means is I now have an extra 15 minutes sitting in bed reading Facebook! I need some motivation!!

  2. Vix

    Awesome tiles, awesome shorts and frankly I think you have great style.
    I’m not the most useful person but I do work in recruitment (for a company, not an agency, in case it matters). Whilst I can’t wave a magic wand I’m happy to help if I can at all?

    1. lozette Post author

      Thanks for the comment! TBH I don’t think a recruitment person could help, I sort of need life direction! I don’t really want to leave dev because of the £££, and my job right now is good, but I go through cycles of being dissatisfied with tech altogether. I get annoyed that all the focus is on startups and founders and non-technical technical people who can’t code. And people who forget that this is NOT the first time startups have happened (I worked for startups in 1999-2003 & it annoys me that all these kids think they’re doing it for the first time!) But I don’t want to work for startups because I need a home life and and and …

      Yeah, basically I don’t know what I want! Sigh.

      1. Vix

        Damn those hip kids thinking they invented the world! Wow… I really am turning into my parents πŸ˜‰

        Is taking any kind of sabbatical an option? Perhaps a break or a change even for a fixed period might help?

      2. lozette Post author

        A break would be great, but honestly I’d fret about getting back into tech. It’s very competitive and things move so fast… I can’t even keep up with tech when I’m working FT in it :-/

        It almost feels like a sort of poisoned chalice, that you can’t give it up even if you want to!

      3. Vix

        I do know what you mean – it’s a difficult situation to be in! I can only hope that something marvellous and interesting happens to you to bring back the love.

  3. Jennifer (@winetoweights)

    Ha! I see the look from OTINB.. πŸ˜‰

    So long story short on my style road history, I worked in banking where I wore suits/dress-up everyday down to a job where now our dress code is “dress appropriately.” Like they had our policy changed as part of the employee morale committee and that’s what they came up with. So I got LAZZZZZZY. I don’t wear makeup anymore to work, was wearing jeans everyday. Then summer hit and while I still opt out of makeup (prob wear it once a month if going out or special occasion?) but it’s SUNDRESS season! You know how much easier it is to fit into a sundress than try and fit pants over growing thighs and have shirts that my shoulders don’t fit unless I buy everything a size up?

    Snag a couple sundresses. I think it helps to put a different perspective on things, too.. πŸ™‚

    Annd… I hope your shoulder is feeling better soon! Enjoy the massage

    1. lozette Post author

      I do have loads of sundresses, but sadly it’s not sundress weather here 😦 It was sunny last week but it’s rainy now. Hopefully there will be some sun in August.

      I had so many pretty dresses but now that I have shaved hair I feel like they don’t look right!

  4. G

    You are a cutie patootie πŸ™‚

    It takes a lot of time and effort to communicate a “style”, and I’d bet it’s even more of a challenge when you work in tech with a bunch of bros whose idea of style is a particularly witty ironic graphic T. (Just guessing here…) It’s hard to show up rocking a dress and makeup and not feel trying too hard/won’t be taken seriously in that world.

    I found that looking at people’s tumblrs was useful in developing my own aesthetic. There’s so much fantastic style there, and you’re bound to find something you like! (Maybe try fuckyeahhardfemme first, it’s great.)

    1. lozette Post author

      I definitely used to have a style, but I think as my hair’s got shorter/less feminine I think I’ve lost my way a bit. I have so many beautiful clothes but nothing to wear!!

      Working in dev with casual blokes definitely doesn’t help. If I turn up in a dress I always feel like everyone’s looking!! I used to work in a formal workplace & it was much easier.

      I really like the hard femme look but I kinda feel like it’s not my place to appropriate it, you know? I feel like femme/butch are terms for queer women only & if I use them I’m appropriating, IYSWIM.

      (Or maybe I’m too sensitive about that stuff … I just know I got told off on Twitter once for asking if straight people can identify as butch/femme, so, you know!)

      1. ebay313

        I’d probably stay away from identifying as hard femme, but that doesn’t mean you can’t adopt a look that is associated with it. I think it is the terminology not the looks that is associated with queer women.

      2. lozette Post author

        Yeah, I would definitely not identify as femme, hence is always try to use feminine. Tbh I’m not very feminine (hard or not) as I just can’t be arsed with makeup on a regular basis. I’ve tried loads of time over the years but I always forget after a couple of weeks.

        Being straight is fucking dull but what can you do? πŸ˜‰

      3. G

        No, I totally agree; I don’t identify that way myself but the blog is full of beautiful people in beautiful clothes πŸ™‚

  5. MrsB| MindOverMatter (@MrsB_LDN)

    I so hear you! One day I want to dye my hair blonde, the next day I remember that I don’t ever blowdry my hair or visit the hairdresser more than 3 times a year so keeping up with blonde hair would be a stupid idea. Then I also think about getting up earlier to do blowdry the hair and put on make-up before work but then I think that I’m going to Crossfit at lunchtime anyway so why waste the time in the morning doing hair and make-up πŸ˜€ I wish i was 25 again and could get away with not wearing make up to work. I’m annoyed that I’m not and that the wrinkles under my eyes are spreading way too fast 😐 I need regular facials but when I plan my time I realise that I’d actually rather be running or bouldering or Crossfitting! I can’t win πŸ™‚

    1. lozette Post author

      I was thinking that I quite fancy getting a facial or my eyebrows done… I think I have some free time in August!! πŸ˜€

  6. ebay313

    I think you look great and love the hair! Of course I’m not straight, so maybe not the opinion you are looking for, lol.
    I’ve never put a ton of thought into my style I don’t think. I’ve over the years gone from wearing short skirts and tights almost all the time, to long skirts almost all the time, to jeans and hoodies, to skirts and dresses with tights again. I’ve had long hair, short hair, and a full on buzzcut. I don’t really feel like I have to stick to one style.
    Though right now my style preferences are such that I would really like to cut my hair short and dye it pink, but I don’t have a job that allows pink hair 😦

    1. lozette Post author

      Yeah, I’ve never really stuck to one style either, but I feel like it’s so long since I was feminine that I wouldn’t know how to go back if I wanted to. Not least because my hair would take forever to grow out πŸ˜‰

      I’m not looking only for straight opinions though!! Just aware that while I love the butch/hard femme aesthetics they’re not “for me”. Or something.

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