This is going to be yet another stream-of-consciousness worry post. Also content note for weight/food talk.
My boyfriend is away on business at the moment, and when he’s away I tend to use my time to watch all those box sets he’s not interested in (among other things I do when he’s away, like forgetting to get my dinner out of the freezer every morning & taking loads of photos of my cat) . So I was sitting there last night watching my eighth episode of Battlestar Galactica when I suddenly realised that it’s less than 2 weeks until the British, I’m 1.2kg over (at least) and I’ve stopped losing weight. And so, of course, I’ve had a massive knot of anxiety in my head ever since.
The thing is, a little panic is good for me, as it galvanises me to get things done. On the other hand, I now cannot think of anything except food. I’ve just arrived at work & I need to get my brain in gear for the work week, but all I can think of is what am I going to eat, what am I going to do, how much more fucked up will my training be if I eat even less, why did someone bring in CHOCOLATE CAKE today, oh god oh god oh god.
My original plan for this year’s British was to aim to come second from last* (I came last in 2013), but now I might not even get to compete. Fuck it, I would swap not competing for coming last again (at least I’d be consistent). I know that not competing won’t be the end of the world (not really) but I fear the embarrassment of it more than anything else. You know, the fact that I’ve been talking about the British for so long, and people will ask “How did you do??” and I’ll have to say “Uh, I didn’t compete” and their faces will fall and ugh ugh ugh.
I have a plan, of sorts. I will just have to cut my carbs even more (I had like 45g of carbs yesterday; and today I plan to have similar meals + a banana before training); I will have an epsom salt bath the night before competition, and only drink black coffee/green tea in the morning before weigh-in; and finally if I wake up (early) on the 20th and am still significantly over, I will go to Urban Kings before the competition and have a sauna (I don’t weigh in until 12pm, so I’d have time if I was organised).
Tonight I have what is probably my last heavy squat session. I still haven’t decided if I’m going to wear my new Adidas Powerlift shoes yet – I’m not convinced I’m hitting depth in them (I did 3 x 3 @ 80kg in the new shoes on Saturday, and some of my depth was marginal) so I might end up wearing my usual Gola flats for the competition & learning to squat in the new shoes afterwards. Better to be safe than sorry, eh?
I was talking to my coach on Saturday about expectations and he’s trying to remind me that I probably won’t lift as well in this competition as I did in the last one, because I was heavier back then. My pbs at 72kg are 92.5/50/115 (250kg total, as I’ve never hit all three at the same competition) and I have a fairly good chance of getting 97.5/52.2/115, but it’ll be hard. Especially if I’m wrung out from making weight 😦
Sigh. Going into the 84s in 2015 is looking more & more tempting all the time, even if it means I might not qualify for the British.
* I have a whole rant saved up for those people who say things like “But at least I didn’t come last!” or “I would never do any sort of competition if I thought I’d come last” but I’ll have to save it for another time.