Sad panda update

So things have not been good with the state of the Laura recently. I have been unmotivated to post here, or even write down my workouts in my little book (although I’m still mostly going to the gym as often as ever). Last week I skipped Pilates altogether but still made it to lifting & conditioning (although in conditioning I just felt terrible, like I had no energy at all). This week I’m on track to go to lifting twice, Pilates once & conditioning once; I’d normally go lifting three times, but I have a family engagement on Saturday.

My mood has been pretty low for a while, but this week it’s taken a beating and I’ve been miserable. I’m alright day-to-day, but overall I’m unhappy. When I finally weaned myself off citalopram a couple of months ago I felt OK & pretty stable; but now I’ve definitely gone downhill. I’m not sure if it’s the lack of citalopram or just general life circumstances which have contributed to this lowness. A couple of times this week I’ve considered hauling myself off to therapy again, which I don’t want to do, not yet.

As a result, I’ve not felt motivated in the gym, and in fact I’ve had a couple of incidents where I really didn’t want to be at the gym, and considered taking time off. I can’t do this, though – I have a competition coming up (although I don’t plan to make any PBs at it, I’m just doing it for qualification purposes) and the gym does generally cheer me up. I need to be a bit more careful about who I interact with while I’m there; I think I often forget that not everyone has the same experiences/opinions etc as me. Real-life is not as tightly curated as my Twitter or blog feed!

In happier news, I took my IPF domestic referee exam on Sunday. I won’t find out if I’ve passed for a while, though. The exam was pretty hard, but the good news is that if I fail I’ll have to re-take exactly the same exam paper!! If I pass, I’ll be eligible to referee in divisional & national GBPF competitions (I will have to referee at one national competition in the next 12 months in order to stay registered).

I’m pretty excited about the prospect of refereeing; however it does mean that I’ll probably be open to abuse from people who don’t like my decisions. And, call me a cynic, but I reckon a certain amount of objections will be misogynistic in nature. Do I want to open myself up to this sort of thing? It might not happen – it’s pretty typical of me to assume the worst, especially in the light of everything going on in tech culture at the moment (Gamergate etc) and my experience of working in IT/dev/tech for the last 15-odd years.

One thing someone said to me, though, was that if I get any abuse while refereeing I can just recommend that person for drug testing. That’d be sweet.


5 thoughts on “Sad panda update

  1. MrsB | Mind over Matter

    Sorry to hear you’ve been feeling a bit off 😦 I have to say that I ALWAYS get cheered by at Crossfit, no matter how bleak my mental state is before I step in the door. Knowing who to stay away from at the gym is probably a good idea for you, life’s too short to have to deal with people who shove their own ideas down your throat and are not encouraging in how YOU want to lead YOUR life.

    1. lozette Post author

      The gym makes me feel tons better too (usually!). You’re so right about life being too short!!

  2. G

    Self-care! I think this is a tough time of year for lots of people. So don’t put off getting back to therapy or a med check or whatever you need.

    Well… The good thing about being a ref is, you’re in charge, right? I mean, people can challenge your authority but you can hold firm (and I like the drug test threat too! Ahaha!)

    1. lozette Post author

      Yep, the run-up to Xmas is DEFINITELY my least favourite time of year. I always get stressed& anxious from the end of October onwards 😦

      I haven’t seen my therapist for 5 years and was hoping I was free of all that stuff, but urgh. Sometimes it’s good to talk it out.

  3. Jennifer

    I think sometimes you need to take a mental break! Maybe double up the dose of vitamin D? Seems like this time of year people start to get into that seasonal affective disorder.. I think that’s what it’s called.

    Otherwise, if training isn’t feeling right for you, take a good week off.. do something that you WANT to do and love to do.. take a mini trip?

    Hope things turn around for you soon!

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