I realised, a couple of days after my last post, that I’d actually been talking in slight cross-purposes about why I feel sad at this time of year (well, I feel sad a lot of the time, but this time of year doesn’t help).

When I say “this time of year” I mean Christmas and its dreaded run-up. I think when other people hear “this time of year” they think darkness, and cold. I have to admit, I’ve never experienced S.A.D (and I’m glad for it); but I really really fucking hate Christmas.

This weekend just passed I had a family event to go to, which I was super anxious about and which sent me off into a pretty bad spin. Happily the weekend is over, but now the real pre-Christmas prep starts and I will slowly get more & more anxious as the day approaches. I look forward to approximately 8pm on Christmas Day, when I will hopefully be back home (i.e. my home, not my hometown of Parochialville) again and flopping in front of Downton Abbey. Then the best part of Christmas can start, which for me is volunteering at Crisis at Christmas.

As you may be able to tell, I do not enjoy Christmas.

OK, this blog is supposed to be about lifting, so let’s talk about it. Over the last few weeks my lifting stuff has really slipped into maintenance mode. As I was seeing family on Saturday I couldn’t train as usual, and only lifted twice last week. This week… I am once again busy on Saturday and unable to go to the gym. So my plan is to lift on Tuesday instead. This chucks up a bunch of anxiety of its own, as it means I have no evenings at home this week – lifting Monday, Tuesday & Thursday; massage Wednesday; away Friday & Saturday. It’s good to be busy, but it means not spending much time with my boyfriend or just chilling at home (I will have a couple of hours on Wednesday though). I have ranted before at length about scheduling, guilt and anxiety, so I won’t go into it again; but yeah, you know.

Despite all this I’ve just not really been caring when I do go to the gym; I just do the minimum & push off home. And food-wise – well, I haven’t had a protein shake for weeks and I have no idea how much protein I’m eating (read: not very much). I just don’t care at the moment. I keep thinking that I need to get into the “eating good stuff” mindset that I was in before the British, but I can’t give myself the mental push to do it. I suspect it’s partially because I remember how very, very ill I felt when I went low-carb, and how my stomach still doesn’t seem to have recovered, so I just don’t want to go back there. Not that I will do that low-carb thing again – it was really stupid.

I have no idea what’s going to get me back into a good place with all this. I want to feel more motivated about lifting, of course; but the food thing is still pissing me off, and the more I read about “It’s all about health!” the more I want to stick two fingers up at “health” and do what the fuck I want (seriously, no-one is obligated to be healthy, one day I will get round to writing about that).

Blargh. I am looking forward to my weekend away this weekend, I just have to balance it with the anxiety that coming out of my routine causes (and the guilt I feel at not spending much time at home). And then I have to tackle the joys the end of the year brings. Can it be January yet?