I’ve been having a really poor few days, mental health wise. Now that Thanksgiving (not that we celebrate it here in the UK) is over, Christmas stuff is in the final straight and I’m really struggling with seeing people enjoying the season, saying how they’re looking forward to spending time with people they love, etc etc. As I’ve mentioned before, I do not enjoy this time of year at all; and I really find it hard when I see people saying they enjoy it. If I was the type to be thankful, though, I would say that at least it’s only one day (for this year anyhow).
My boyfriend said to me last night that he wants me to start recording my mood every day, because he’s worried that I can’t remember the last time I was happy. To be fair, I think I can remember it, and it was back when I was still taking citalopram, and life was so awesome that I decided it was time to come off it (I was only taking 10mg a day). In hindsight this may have been a mistake 😦
I really really don’t want to go back on it, but I also don’t want to be this unhappy forever. So I’m going to give more of a concerted effort to be happy for a while at least – although I don’t know if I can TRULY relax until Boxing Day, you know?
Earlier today I downloaded two mood-recording apps (because how else am I going to record my mood than with an app?) – Optimism & Expereal. I’m going to give them both a go & see if there’s a pattern to my moods. I suspect there is – I suspect it’s tied to hormones, but it’s hard to be sure since I don’t have normal menstrual cycle markers any more (I haven’t had a period for 2 years now)
I had a realisation earlier that a lot of my problems are to do with catastrophizing. For example: last night I left a parcel on my train home, and while this is not a great thing to happen, I totally lost any sense of perspective and was unable to cope. Back when I was taking citalopram, I would have been upset but able to be pragmatic. I feel like I’ve lost all my pragmatism coping mechanisms.
I also want to try to be a bit more grateful for the things I have in life. Now, I won’t deny – being grateful/thankful for things is really hard for me. It doesn’t come naturally, and while seeing other people do it warms my heart (what there is of one) the idea of doing it myself feels… I dunno. I come from a very “Keeping Up Appearances” family and being grateful for the things you have in life was not a natural part of my upbringing.
So here are my grateful things today (although, god, how it pains me to write that):
- I am grateful for my very understanding boyfriend, who has a good grasp on mental health stuff and is very good at helping me out when I’m spinning out of control (which can’t be a nice thing to have to deal with). He has tons of amazing qualities, but this is the one I’m grateful for today.
- I am grateful for Bethnal Green Weightlifting Club, which I’m so proud to be involved with. Working out improves my mood, but even more, it’s the people there who make it great. I spent 2.5 hours there today, of which only about an hour was lifting. The rest of the time was just hanging out, talking, feeling like I belong.
- I am grateful for my job, which is hard but I have supportive colleagues. I think this is one of the jobs where I’ve felt I fit in least, but I still never dread going to work, and the work is never boring. Plus it’s great to be paid to do something you don’t hate, eh?
Saturday – a bit of a play
- Squats: 5 x 5 @ 60kg
- Bench: 5 x 5 @ 40kg
- Dumbbell floor press: 15kg, 3 sets of 5
- Overhead press: 20kg, 3 sets of 5
Yeah, all that took me about an hour, then there was another hour of drinking coffee, chatting, mooching about. I’m sure if I was more disciplined I wouldn’t spend so much time at the gym… but who wants to always be disciplined?
(And now I’m going to post this, and hope it’s not too embarrassing if people I know IRL want to discuss it. Eeep!)