What I’ve learned from doing remedial squats

I’m still doing remedial squats. Squat 101. How to squat – the basics. I’m not going to lie, I haven’t enjoyed this process; last night in the gym I felt pretty demoralised when I compared myself (still squatting 60kg on the box after nearly 2 months) to everyone else (happily squatting away bigger weights, box-free). I know you’re not meant to compare yourself to others, but that’s not always easy when you’re in a competitive environment!

To recap, my coach is having me re-learn squatting to try to correct my poor form. He thinks (and I know) that I won’t squat more than my current best of 102.5kg with the form I’ve had previously. If I’m going to qualify for the senior British Classic again, I need to squat substantially more – preferably 110kg+. So back in March he said I would be squatting light weight, on a box, until I have completely nailed good squat form.

So here’s what I’ve learned from having to re-learn how to squat.

Unlearning my old squat technique has been hard

Seven years of lifting mean I have pretty strong muscle memory for how I used to squat. I’m now using a wider stance and concentrating on breaking at the knees & sitting back. Before, I used to tuck my bottom under as I squatted, and exaggeratedly sticking my butt out feels so odd – it also makes my lower back feel quite vulnerable. But that should strengthen with time.

I’m a bit worried about how well my new stance will translate once the box is taken away. At the moment, I’m placing my feet in relation to the box – once that visual cue is gone, will I remember where to put them? And of course, will I remember what being at depth feels like!? I’m currently not performing a full box squat – I’m more grazing the box with my bottom to establish what the correct depth is. Hopefully my body will remember where that is (eventually).

I hurt in a whole new set of muscles

Not surprisingly, the fact that I’m now trying to squat more with my legs and less with my back means my legs hurt more. Especially my inner thighs. My inner things used to hurt anyway, but now it’s like oh this HUUURTS.

Where I fasten my belt has made a big difference

This is an odd one. I am very short-waisted (and short) so my standard-size Titan Longhorn belt takes up most of the space between my hips and the underside of my boobs. I used to push my belt down onto the top of my hips, as I felt it provided the most lower-back support. But once I started squatting on the low box (which is really low), I found the belt cut into me at the bottom of the squat in a way which was intolerable. So I pulled the belt up to just under my boobs (it’s almost like an underbust corset!) and have found that I can squat much more comfortably and hit depth.

I have a question mark over whether this means my belt will provide much meaningful support to my lower back when I’m squatting heavy weights (so far I’ve only squatted 60kg), but I suppose I’ll have to try it & find out.

I still wear my belt pushed down onto my hips for deadlift.

It’s embarrassing, and a bit demoralising. Or should that be “humbling”?

I think the done thing is to say this experience has been humbling, but I’ve also found it really embarrassing. I’ve had people say at the gym things like “Are you still on the box?” which I know isn’t meant to embarrass me, but it kinda does. And my pride takes a dent whenever someone new comes to the gym and sees me struggling to squat 60kg for five reps, when I could squat 80kg for fives with my old technique.

Oh, did I mention? Using my new squat technique, 60kg feels like 80kg. It feels so heavy. So not only am I squatting lighter weights to work on my form, I’m also squatting those lighter weights because I just can’t squat as much as I used to. Waaaaaah!

It will be worth it in the long run, I hope

While I may not be able to squat as much as I did with my old technique, my coach assures me I will be squatting 120kg with perfect form once this process is over. Honestly, I’ll be happy with 110kg. Or 107.5kg. Or just anything over 102.5kg! Powerlifting is a marathon, not a sprint, after all.


Remedial squats

I’m in my third week of remedial squats, aka. Squats 101. My coach has been talking about getting me to do this for a while, and now that my next 3-lift competition is a long-way off (July) we have time to devote to it. I won’t deny, I’m finding it hard and a bit embarrassing!

For the last 3 weeks I have been squatting a huge (not) 40kg on a low (below-parallel) box, with as perfect form as I can manage, for sets of 6. The first couple of sessions I did this, the DOMS I had were immense. Honestly I never thought I’d feel so sore from such light squats. But I can definitely feel different muscles working – I’m doing my damndest not to tip forward, and to use my legs (not my back) to drive myself upwards. Last night I did my 5th session like this and all but the last 1-2 squats in each set were perfect. Whether or not I can stay so perfect when I’m squatting off the box with more weight remains to be seen.

My programme for the next few weeks at least is going to be –

Day 1: low box squats; bench (I am currently doing 5 sets of 7 with 45kg, which is exciting – I really hope to get 57.5kg+ soon); deadlifts

Day 2: half squats (high box squats above parallel); narrow bench

Day 3: as day 1

Going back to Squat 101 has been a bit depressing, if I’m honest. This time last year I was squatting sets of 8 with 70kg, and now I’m doing 40?! I think if I was a newer lifter, or younger, I would probably have refused to do it. But I have to trust my coach, that he knows best for me. Even if I’m a bit embarrassed when new people come into the gym, see everyone else squatting loads and me doing baby squats. The fact that I’m currently benching 5kg more than my squat, for reps & reps, is also a bit of a mindfuck!

But, fingers crossed it all works and I can finally squat more than 102.5kg (with better form – or not!)

I might be doing my first single-lift competition in May – bench press only. Should be a bit of a fun distraction and not as stress-inducing as a full power competition.

Greater London divisional, 27/2/2016

It’s a pretty disgracefully long time since this competition, and I should have written it up ages ago! As usual life has run away with me. I had actually forgotten all about my “Competition Fatigue” post until I logged in to post this entry, and I think that competition fatigue definitely did a number on me. I didn’t do very well at this competition, and a lot of that is probably down to negative mental attitude.

I had been hoping for a 285kg total, to get me a qualification for the All England this year (so I could do at least ONE national competition in 2016, since I may not get a qualification for the British). But I came away with 277.5kg, worse than my last two competitions. Oops.

Squats were the worst. I just can’t seem to hit depth any more. I opened on 92.5kg and got red-lighted for depth. I had intended to go for 102.5kg as my second, but because of my opening failure (which always puts a crimp on your day) I took a relatively safe 95kg for my second, which I got. I then went for 102.5kg as my third, and again got red-lighted for depth.

At this point I decided I hated powerlifting, which I do (some of the time). But I soldiered on. I was hoping for a new bench pb of 57.5kg but as per usual I couldn’t get it off my chest, so 55kg it was.

Deadlift was better, though. I went 115kg / 122.5kg / 127.5kg for a new pb and I got all three! The 127.5kg felt really good and I think I have a chance of getting 130kg in July. The lift was caught on video and I’m a bit worried I might be heading back into hitching territory, so I need to watch out for that. But it was definitely good to get *a* personal best!

I have only been back to the gym once since the competition as I felt I needed a whole week off. I’ve sort of lost my motivation for lifting again (which happens every now & again) but I know it’s going to come back… eventually. Next competition is in July and I will try to aim for that 300kg total.

Competition fatigue

I think I have competition fatigue. It’s a week and a day until my next competition (a divisional) and I’m feeling meeeeehhh about it. I’m not sure exactly, but I think this is approaching my 20th competition  (I do about 3-4 a year) so it’s not really a big surprise.

In addition to the fact that competing is old hat for me, my training has not been going well so that doesn’t help how I feel. I have what feels like tendonitis in my right elbow, my left knee hurts and I’m significantly over my competition weight class. All the drinking and eating and socialising I did in December & January has really done a number on my fitness. I was originally aiming for a 105kg squat & 57.5kg bench next week, but right now I think I’ll be lucky if I repeat my 282.5kg total from last year’s British.

I’m also not going to conditioning at the moment to rest my achy bits as often as I can, which means my general fitness has gone through the floor (and that’s probably impacting on my bodyweight!)

Can you compete too much? Maybe I need some time off again. I will definitely need some time off from squatting & benching to let my elbow recover after this competition. Maybe once it’s out of the way, I can have a month or so of cardio/spinning/Pilates to make myself feel a bit sprightlier. Then I can start training for my next competition in July 😉

Fitting in

At the weekend I went to my first-ever zine fest at the invitation of a couple of people I know on Twitter. I have never been to a zine fest before, or even read a zine, but I had a great time meeting my friends (and seeing old friends unexpectedly!) and taking in the novel atmosphere.

One of my oldest online friends wrote about the fest later on, about finding “your people” and being yourself, which I found really interesting. I don’t think the zinesters I met at the fest are really “my people” – I’m straight, white, middle-class, not a part of any subculture or anything, pretty unremarkable really.

So I have been thinking about what “my people” might be, and where I fit in. If I’m honest, I haven’t been feeling like I fit in anywhere recently.

I used to define myself a lot by my job, but after I moved to my current role in 2012 I never felt 100% part of the team socially (probably because I don’t go out after work much, and I didn’t always take part in chatrooms and things like that). In the last 6 months or so, that’s changed and I’ve really felt the camaraderie at work. And… that’s ironic, because due to a merger 32 people have resigned in the last 2 months, many of them my friends.

Maybe my people are powerlifting people? Honestly, I don’t think so. I have friends at my gym, but I don’t quite feel like I fit in with them either. And when I browse powerlifting-related media on the internet (be it Instagram tags, blogs, or even the Instagram or Facebook accounts of people I know who lift) I feel alienated. There’s a lot of fatphobia, healthism  and misogyny there that I don’t want a part of. And while I’ve done a fair bit of organising work at the gym in the past (e.g. looking after the website, Facebook & Instagram accounts) I’ve recently decided that I want to do less of that, as I find it quite stressful.

I guess I’m wondering here, what am I like? What do I like? I like writing code, but it’s my job, not my passion. I like powerlifting, but I don’t read about it and I don’t want to be involved in a lifting culture that’s filled with bigotry (internalised or otherwise). I like going to fat-positive events, but as a small fat I’m better as an ally on the fringes. I felt totally accepted at the zine fest, but like I was also an interloper – I have no obsessions or things I geek out about (unless you count writing code every day as “geeking out”).

This is definitely not the first time I’ve felt this way – in my 20s I tried to fit in with the poly, queer, bi crowd and it was a bit embarrassing, because I’m none of those things and they’re not attributes you can (or should!) fake. The follies of youth, eh?

I guess the short answer is to keep looking, or make my own space. Or continue not really fitting in!


I don’t know about you but I like making resolutions and I always look forward to the beginning of a new year. January is also my birthday month, and while I’m not looking forward to turning 39 (eek) I am looking forward to my birthday – not least because I’m going away to New York City!

My fitness-related resolutions for 2015 were to get a 280kg total, and to look after my immune system a bit more because I got a lot of colds in 2014. Well, in 2015 I got a 282.5kg total (result!) and I also seemed to have fewer periods of illness than before. I put the latter down to being less stressed and taking my vitamins regularly.

My resolutions for 2016 are not too dissimilar really:

  1. Get a 300kg total. I need this to qualify for this year’s British Classic and, if I’m honest, I think it’s a big ask. But I will give it a go, for my coach’s sake.
  2. Go to Pilates regularly. I used to go every Thursday but that fell by the wayside due to work commitments. I hope to take it up again, as I felt Pilates really helped with my core strength & flexibility. And my Zen!
  3. Get better with my hair & makeup.
  4. Get a better job.
  5. Moisturise!!

OK, 3-5 aren’t fitness-related, but definitely wellbeing related.

Regarding 3 (and 5) – 2015 was the year of the selfie for me, and taking regular selfies has been so good for my confidence. I only started wearing makeup every day (ish) when I was 36 and that too has been great for my confidence.

Regarding 4 – my current job as I know it is pretty much over, so I either need to stay put and pivot; or I need to move elsewhere and carry on down the path I’m currently on. I think I prefer to carry on my chosen career.

I had a break from the gym from 23rd – 31st December while I was visiting family and volunteering at Crisis at Christmas. I’ve done two sessions since, and my new program starts tonight. I would nominally like to squat 105kg at my February competition, and 110kg at my July competition (yikes) but I’m not going to beat myself up too hard about the February one – it’s only a few weeks away, after all. Aaand if I don’t make a 300kg total in July, I can see if I can guest at another competition elsewhere before September.

This year is my last as a powerlifting senior – on January 1st 2017 I become a master and a whole new set of competitions, totals and records opens up!

Christmas competition and a Christmas break

Once again I have failed to update my blog with any sense of regularity. But since we last spoke I’ve competed for the final (I swear) time this year and am currently on a break from the gym.

The break wasn’t planned – I just seem to have suddenly had a lot of social engagements  (both planned and not-planned) and gym time was the first thing to be cut from my calendar. My job has required a lot of time in the pub (much to my colleagues’ surprise as I never normally go) plus multiple leaving parties and dinners with friends and and… you get the picture.

Last night I said that next week I will finally get back to going to the gym and eating vegetables…forgetting that next week is actually Christmas, so I won’t be getting back to normal for a while!

On December 6th we had our annual Christmas competition at my gym. I don’t always manage to make the Christmas comp so I was really pleased to do it this year. I had kind of intended to give a 105kg squat a go but I was completely untrained and feeble-feeling (plus it was only 2 weeks since the previous competition!) so I didn’t. In fact I was lucky to get 100kg! Definitely the worst 100kg squat I’ve ever done.

I have the 95kg I did as my second lift on video though…

As you can see, Santa hats were mandatory.

I got 55kg in the bench (57.5kg wasn’t going anywhere, again). As for deadlift – I pulled 125kg with relative ease BUT then proceeded to drop it. Fucks sake.

In 2016 I will be working my grip. Again. As well as trying to get that 110kg squat.

Right now I am out of shape with a half pickled liver, which is not a terrible way to be. But I’m looking forward to all my social obligations being over and my normal routine resuming!